The Art of Family

Content on Loneliness

People used to ask me why I had such a distorted view on family and relationships. Sure, I was a hopeless romantic like the rest of them, but I never truly became anything more… than a hopeless romantic. Even when I had the chance,  I never took a single one. Whenever he fell, I never did with him.

I used to delude myself into thinking it was just because I was waiting for the right one, to finally make me feel like I was worth something.

Or maybe I was just content on the loneliness.

Because where is the hope that you could possibly be worth anything when those that should matter to you most growing up, when those that should be the center of your world, when those that should be your role model… play you down to nothing.

The worst feeling in the world, is finally trusting one of them… Only to have them wake up one day from a lousy morning and take it all out one me. Because when staying silent does not work anymore… There is nothing left to do, but face them head on.

I can’t even remember all the times I have written down “I just want someone to call mom or dad, and finally mean it”.

Because really, that is all I want. To finally have parents that understanded me without lashing out, without blaming me, or pointing fingers.Truth be told, I have a normal family. Two healthy and working parents. People would ask, so what is wrong with you then? Why do you get the right to complain when there are kids out there living through a nasty divorce or friends who have been through losing parents at the age of five… But is it so much more to ask… That not only are they healthy and working… But caring too.

I have tried endlessly to fill that empty void in my heart where I wish they would sit. Adopting fake mommies and fake daddies everywhere I went, but no fake parent, can wear the shoes of my real ones. I guess it is high tide time that I stopped trying to forget them and instead try to fix them because I cannot simply turn off my feelings and reduce myself into nothingness… Until I can finally be happy and content with who I was raised by.

Because then how am I supposed to learn to love.

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2 thoughts on “Content on Loneliness

  1. Great post. I can definitely relate. For me, my relationship with my parents improved when I moved out. They missed me and they expressed it. Only from a far could I see how much I meant to them. When I came home, it went back to the arguing and screaming. Being content with loneliness is a GREAT achievement. Loneliness can cause people to make awful decisions that will later cause them more pain and guilt. Having it not control your life is important in the long run. As for that whole..everyone has one. You have 2 options to consider to fix this problem. Some people run to alcohol or drugs. DON’T DO IT. It doesn’t fix anything. Your other option is to find happiness and pleasure somehow. Keep your mind busy to keep your focus away from it. Don’t allow yourself to indulge in the pain. Keep distracted and do something that makes you happy.
    As for love, don’t worry about it. It’ll come. No one “knows” how to love. It comes naturally. Be careful to keep your heart guarded. After a few breakups you’ll find yourself growing stronger emotionally and mentally. Just go with the flow, don’t rush anything. It’ll all happen in time. I’m sorry about how you’re feeling. I’ve been in that dark place, too. Everything is temporary. This pain won’t last forever.

    -Ruby

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