People used to ask me why I had such a distorted view on family and relationships. Sure, I was a hopeless romantic like the rest of them, but I never truly became anything more… than a hopeless romantic. Even when I had the chance, I never took a single one. Whenever he fell, I never did with him.
I used to delude myself into thinking it was just because I was waiting for the right one, to finally make me feel like I was worth something.
Or maybe I was just content on the loneliness.
Because where is the hope that you could possibly be worth anything when those that should matter to you most growing up, when those that should be the center of your world, when those that should be your role model… play you down to nothing.
The worst feeling in the world, is finally trusting one of them… Only to have them wake up one day from a lousy morning and take it all out one me. Because when staying silent does not work anymore… There is nothing left to do, but face them head on.
I can’t even remember all the times I have written down “I just want someone to call mom or dad, and finally mean it”.
Because really, that is all I want. To finally have parents that understanded me without lashing out, without blaming me, or pointing fingers.Truth be told, I have a normal family. Two healthy and working parents. People would ask, so what is wrong with you then? Why do you get the right to complain when there are kids out there living through a nasty divorce or friends who have been through losing parents at the age of five… But is it so much more to ask… That not only are they healthy and working… But caring too.
I have tried endlessly to fill that empty void in my heart where I wish they would sit. Adopting fake mommies and fake daddies everywhere I went, but no fake parent, can wear the shoes of my real ones. I guess it is high tide time that I stopped trying to forget them and instead try to fix them because I cannot simply turn off my feelings and reduce myself into nothingness… Until I can finally be happy and content with who I was raised by.
Because then how am I supposed to learn to love.