Now I am not going to lie, I love him. I love him quite a bit, but I just don’t think I am “in love” with him… Maybe not yet.
All these arguments lately, the lack of communication, all those nights going to sleep without a “goodnight” text have just piled up higher and higher. Yet at the same time, he is still my boyfriend… and my best. friend…
When you ask someone in the moment, why do you want this relationship? How long do you think it will last? For some of the serious ones, there’s a “because they’re amazing… and forever.” Then one of you two, gets up, moves halfway across the country or lives there to begin with… And you can do absolutely nothing about it. Then what happens?
Funny thing is that when I first entered my relationship, I had a list of things to do, so that perhaps we would last longer than three weeks apart. Why? Because I was sick and tired… and frankly just a bit exhausted. Whether it was from being alone without a soul to call when I was upset or just tired of being in relationships I did not want to be in, I may never know.
But he lives twelve hours away by drive. None of our schedules fit anymore, and I am lucky to see him even just briefly over the phone or on skype or facetime for a few minutes a week.
Why do you want this relationship?
Jeez I don’t even know anymore.
How long do you think it will last?
Not long enough… Not long enough for me to say what I want to say, to feel what I should feel. Like why is there so much pressure here.
I have thought about it many times, just cutting it off entirely. Nice knowing you… But I cannot do this with you anymore. Every time I am just about to do it, I stop myself, and I realize I simply cannot just break off a perfect relationship with the sweetest guy in the world, probably one of the few who still understands me.
That got me thinking, maybe I am just asking all the wrong questions.
Maybe I am just beating myself up over things I should not be worrying about.
I was expecting too much from someone who just could not physically change his own situation. It was tough on both of us, and I had failed to realize that. I blamed all of our troubles on him… When what we should have been doing was trying to work it out together.
I was… Asking all the wrong questions.
Why do you want this relationship? Why do you want to be with him?
Because he understands me like no other… And accepts me just how I am. Fast mumble jumbled words and all.
How long do you think it will last? Do you still want to be with him?
And maybe my relationship is not as simple as two little questions, but they cleared up so much for me and finally made me realize what I was fighting for.
He was fighting for us, and it was about time I started doing the same.
Special thanks to him… Three’s a charm.