I know I stared at this blank page for a real long time. Too long. Maybe I was in denial. Actually, I probably was… My letter to the first person that truly made me feel like family on this game.
I had started quite a few to some of my favorites back in the family. This one was one that I had always been quite fond of. A couple months ago, I had even hoped I would get to deliver it watching him and his two children with Knock and her son sitting in the second row on the right side of my wedding, but I guess change along the way is inevitable.
The first push I had ever gone on was a t50 for Harley. I was terrified, but I remember smiling the whole way through. Honestly, it was probably my first and only push that I had ever felt that way about. There was something so comforting about the way we just joked around together in the “Rising Heros Push Chat”, I almost did not want to leave by the end. It felt like family, and I did not know much, about you or the game or anything at that time, but one thing I did know was that I wanted you to be next to me, in my family forever.
There was a time I thought you were my superhero. You stood up for me. You stood next to me. Hardly had that ever happened, not only with my friends, but my own parents as well. There was always someone better, someone smarter, someone prettier, but I never felt that way, ever, talking to you.
You made everything feel special, like I meant something even though some days, we only talked once or twice a night. Everything from asking how my day went, to a little friendly banter, or asking about tennis… To me at least, it never seemed like it was from someone who just wanted to turn the conversation around into something dirty or someone who was just waiting for the right moment to ask for that favor. It seemed like a conversation designed for a dinner table. It seemed like “dad talk”.
There was always something so personal about our conversations and our jokes. Something always set it apart in my mind at least, from all other jokes and laughs that we used to have in the chat. You never seem to have to go out of your way to make me happy that day, you just knew how.
Every day that I was feeling down… I knew, a short conversation with my Wingnut, with Shade… and I would be all good.
You treated me like your own child. Sometimes even referring to your family as Shade and the three kiddos… I could never have been more proud than that day when I first saw that. I was never more happy than I was that day because I had finally for once felt I had belonged.
Eek… Now I am tearing up just a little bit… I guess that is just because here… at 500 words, is normally where the turning point comes along.
I do not know why one day, we stopped talking… The drama came… And then it just became one big explosion. But all I ever wanted to do was to talk… with my line-daddy.
And you were not there.
Your favorite line was always “Family first.” And I believed you every single time. I had always just thought that when you said family, you not only meant your in game family, but you meant me too. With or without Res Family, I had always thought you meant me too. I think that was perhaps what hurt the most.
You stopped standing up for me one day. You stopped reaching out to me. You became the “Shade” that everyone that did not like you saw. You became the “Shade” that I used to argue with people about who you were not. And I guess, without even really having to say it, you disowned me, as your line-daughter. No… That was what hurt the most, because that was what I needed to hear… the most.
I think I delusioned myself into thinking that I could make a family with those on a stupid game. I delusioned myself again and again and again. But you let it happen, as if I was your own. You got my hopes up.
I still remember back in August when J and I had first started our very short-lived relationship. We thought it would be cute, if he would ask you, my line dad for permission. He was scared out of his mind, but you made it all alright. I even remember the sticker that was used back in your wolves chat. “50 First Dates”… You said something along those lines… And I did not get to finish that movie until now… But it reminded me of you.
I guess all I am trying to say is I don’t miss my line-daddy anymore.
I just miss my friend.
I miss you.